Childfree- Childless by choice

Regarding Falcon's comment: When I was about 25 a friend of mine was pregnant, and the adoption idea had just begun to crystallise in my mind. We were discussing the issue, and she said that when I'm 30 I would feel the maternal urge overcome me. Well, I'm well past 30 now (extremely well past!) and the urge hasn't hit me, yet. As Shanu said, perhaps it will, later. The choice to adopt is always there. I wouldn't want to become a parent late in life, however, whether naturally or by adoption, so in any case I will have to hurry up if I want to become a mother soon. I don't think that will happen, however. It's true that there are some women who don't make mom material. This does not mean they are unfulfilled - their creative energy finds outlet in many other ways, which often touch many more than just one or two kids (their own if they had kids).

It is also true, but very subjectively so, that having kids when you don't want them (bowing to parental pressure, elders' expectations etc) can be a limitation and a cause of frustration. Better not have kids if you don't really want them, I say. Also, just giving birth does not qualify a woman to be a good mother - and this is something we have to realise.

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Childfree- Childless by choice

Good set of points by ShanuHere. The most important point however is that women nowadays increasingly have the choices they didn't have a generation ago. The majority of women do not have these choices, they do not have any say in their own lives, but still it is now possible for a woman, if she has the means to survive on her own, to say "I choose" and walk away from the predestined future mapped out for her by the male and elder members of her family. I wish all women had the power to choose and were allowed to make this choice. I know that lots of women would definitely choose the "traditional" way of life, but a woman who decides that she does not want to produce children should not be treated as an aberration.

Not every woman has the biological desire to have "her own child". She may have the mothering or nurturing instinct, the desire to look after and raise a little one, but she may not specifically want to give birth herself, and should not be shunned for this. Perhaps she fulfils her milder mothering instinct in looking after children of relatives, but if she had her own child she might not be a good mother, she might be more frustrated than fulfilled. This option of proxy motherhood is a good one for a woman like this. In fact the old joint family system, though it had its flaws, was a very good atmosphere for both children to be raised and for women to feel fulfilled in this way. (Remember the film, Apne Paraye I think it was?) I was once given a lecture by a young mother of three (twins and a single), a work colleague, who kept telling me that I should have a kid, "it's such fun to see a little one just like you around the house". I saw red but didn't argue very much more because there were other people I didn't know so well at the table - but the fact of this young mother's life is that she has an incredible support system; her husband works in a ministry which has a childcare centre in the building and he ferries the older kids there and back, she has a fulltime maid from heaven (and this is a rare find indeed), plus she has both her mother and his mother alternately helping to look after the kids. So she can happily come to work fulltime. It's much like a joint family, and that is a definite inducement to have kids!

I'm not past it yet but there are two reasons I don't want to produce a child, and why I would like to adopt a child/children. One is that the world we live in is increasingly wild, cruel and dangerous, and I have long been afraid to bring a child into it. Even if I adopt a child, how the hell would I rest easy if he or she were out of my sight? I would die a thousand deaths imagining what might happen. I know it sounds melodramatic but I've seen my brother's wife go through this once with her late-teens son when he went out with friends and came home late. It was all pre-arranged, but she nevertheless had the jitters and sat on the living room sofa doing nothing till he came home! I sat with her, reassuring her but also worried! Wonder how it is with mothers of younger children.

The second reason is that the world itself is too full of people. Why create another new person when there are so many children, innocent and deserving of a home just like you and me, who need the resources I have to give? The structure is all there - father, mother, house, stable life... I'd like to give this to a child already living and in need of it, instead of creating a new one.

I feel that to some extent there is something of ego involved in people having their own children. I know the instinctive reaction to this is likely to be one of anger and disbelief, but perhaps it bears thinking about. I've met many mothers who take pride in seeing a small image of themselves or of hubby, and more so with fathers. If you set aside that pride of "ownership" (I don't think that's the right word, but can't explain it any other way), it's a child for whose life you are responsible, and that's it. The love you give, the ideas you impart, the way of life you espouse and teach the child about - that's what makes the kid the kind of person you think you might want him or her to become.

I don't dispute that genes play a part, but environment and upbringing are just as important, if not more. Actually I don't believe that genes are predominantly significant. I know two families where the second child is a girl, adopted, and in both families the girl is said to take after the mother, in one case, and the father in the other! And of course the children are brought up with the family's values and traditions.

We need to step away from the traditional way of thinking, free the mind of pre-conceived notions and figure out for ourselves what WE want to do and be. True freedom lies in freedom of choice.

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Bombay.. I miss you

*sniff*
Brought back such vivid memories. Thank you!
Dabheli... haven't heard that word for years... oh I wish I was back.
There's nothing like Bombay, is there? :)

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